"Writer's Block" Episode 211

: No HM TV Screen. Episode begins with movie being made. Jason is wearing circa-1960s clothes, and Brendon is directing him. :

Brendon: Ok, You walk in, you’re angry. Your best friend set you up.
Jason: Grrr….
Brendon: Yea. But why? You’re confused.
Jason: Um, um….
Brendon: You look around. You’re thinking, why did I come here? I should go back to California, and get my old job back. Then you think of your old girlfriend for a minute, and…it makes you laugh! And you start laughing uncontrollably. Uncontrollably!
(Jason roles on the floor laughing)
Brendon: Then you remember that she used to laugh too and you start to cry.
(Jason begins crying)
Brendon: Then you hear a noise, and you’re quiet. You look around. You think about the guy you saw following you yesterday.
Jason: Right…
Brendon: And then…Charlene enters!
(Melissa enters through a door, once again in circa-1970s clothes)
Brendon: And you hide!
(Melissa jumps behind a box)
Brendon: No, you don’t hide, you hide.
Melissa: Which one?
Jason: Who?
Melissa: Me hide?
Jason: Me hide.
Brendon: You’re afraid!
Melissa: You hide!
Brendon: Go hide! Hide! Ok, Charlene. You look around. You’re confused. You don’t know why you came here. You think about your old boyfriend in California, and how he used to make you laugh.
(Melissa begins laughing)
Brendon: And it makes you laugh. Uncontrolably!
(Melissa laughs hard)
Brendon: And then you hear something. Somebody’s coming. You’re scared. You hide!
Jason: Melissa, I’m hiding here.
Melissa: It’s the only place to hide!
Brendon: Don’t hide in the same place.
Melissa: There’s only one thing to hide behind!
Jason: Uh, Brendon?
Brendon: Yea.
Jason: Can I make a suggestion at this junc-ture?
Brendon: Uh, cut.

: Screen cuts to regular basement shot :

Brendon: Sure, what?
Jason: I think it would be easier if someone in this movie speaks.
Brendon: Well, I uh…
Melissa: I don’t really follow the story.
Jason: Well, I get the story, its about…uh…Brendon, what is this about?
Brendon: Okay, it’s a story…you’re right about that, it’s a story about, uh…exactly what its about, I’m not totally sure right now, y’know? Um…yea…
Jason: So you don’t know what its about.
Brendon: I didn’t say that.
Melissa: You kinda did.
Jason: You, did Brendon I was right here.
Brendon: Okay, okay…you want to know the truth? You want to know why I didn’t write anything? Do you? Because I can’t write! Okay.
Jason: Oh my God…
Brendon: I, Brendon Small, the writer of some 500 movies, cannot write. I have writer’s block! So there I said it. You guys satisfied now?
Jason: Um…I’m satisfied, Melissa?
Melissa: Brendon, this is serious. The writer’s fair is next week.
Brendon: I know!
Melissa: Well, what are we going to do? This counts for half our grade.
Brendon: We’re gonna do something! Don’t worry. I will…figure it out!
Jason: Uh, Brendon?
Brendon: Yea.
Jason: How about a song and dance about rice?
Brendon: Uh, well…
Jason: Rice is nice, but it’s just a grain. I like rice, so I’m not insane!!!
Brendon: That’s uh…
Jason: Can we play hide and seek again?

: Cut outside to house. Fade to night. Fade into Brendon on his bed with tape recorder :

Brendon: Idea for movie: A guy…a guy…no, a dog, a dog, really big dog…no, a kid. NO! Forget the dog, forget the guy, forget the kid. It needs something, it needs…
Paula: Brendon, honey, time to go to bed!
Brendon: Ok. Have sweet dreams, good night!
Paula: No, Brendon, I mean you. Time for you to go to bed!
Brendon: Ah…oh, Idea for movie: A kid has to go to bed, his mother wants him to go to bed, but she goes to bed instead, and then a, dog comes in…
Paula: Brendon. Brendon, you should’ve been asleep an hour ago, what are you doing?
Brendon: I’m trying to write, mom, but I have writer’s block.
Paula: Oh. Bad case?
Brendon: You tell me.
(Paula looks at Brendon’s paper, which says “Fade In”)
Paula: Fade in…it’s tight.
Brendon: Yea…well, we’re supposed to perform a scene at the writer’s fair, but I can’t write anything.
Paula: Well, as someone who wore the hat of both a mother and a teacher, I think I can help.
Brendon: Mom, you have way too many hats.
Paula: My students used to ask me about writer’s block all the time.
Brendon: Uh-huh.
Paula: You know what I told them?
Brendon: What?
Paula: Don’t get it. I’m kidding. I told them to get in touch with their muse.
Brendon: I thought a muse was fake.
Paula: It’s not fake, its mythical. Or mystical. Mythphysical-
Brendon: Mom! Thanks for the help. Uh, if you don’t mind I have to get back to my panicking.
Paula: Hey, you know what can help? Writing down your dreams.
Brendon: Really?
Paula: Oh, sure! It helps you tap into a very creative part of your brain.
Brendon: Which part is that?
Paula: The middle, I think. Actually I don’t know, but it’s a very creative process. So you try that!
Brendon: Okay.
Paula: Good night Brendon!
Brendon: Good night!
Paula: I love you!
Brendon: I love you!
(Room goes black)
Brendon: …Idea for a dream…

: Brendon closes his eyes, and we see McGuirk open his eyes from that scene. The scene has moved to Melissa, the Soccer Team and McGuirk on the soccer field. McGuirk doesn’t look good. :

Melissa: How long, Coach McGuirk? How long do we have to stretch? Coach McGuirk?
McGuirk: What?
Melissa: It’s already been 45 minutes, we’re all stretched.
McGuirk: Whoa whoa…what was I saying?
Melissa: You weren’t saying anything.
McGuirk: Well what are you saying?
Melissa: I’m saying we’re all stretched.
McGuirk: Great. What does that mean?
Melissa: We’re all stretched out…
McGuirk: Yea…
Melissa: Can we stop?
McGuirk: Who are you?
Melissa: It’s Melissa.
McGuirk: Melissa WHO?
Melissa: Coach McGuirk, what’s the matter…you don’t look so good.
(McGuirk mumbles)
Melissa: Are you on another bender?
McGuirk: Where’d you learn that word, Melissa?
Melissa: From you.
McGuirk: Oh, right. No, no. Of course not, Melissa. I’m not on a bender, I wouldn’t do that to you. It’s just I haven’t slept in about 4 days.
Melissa: How come?
McGuirk: What do you mean, how come? What kind of question is that? I just can’t. I can’t sleep, I have insomnia.
Melissa: What’s that?
McGuirk: You don’t know what insomnia is?
Melissa: No.
McGuirk: It’s when you can’t sleep.
Melissa: Did you try lying on your bed, and having your eyes closed, and just relaxing?
McGuirk: Oh, that’s genius, Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So what you’re saying is what I have to do fall asleep is go to sleep? Right? Is that what you’re saying, Melissa?
Melissa: (Nervously) Uh-huh…
McGuirk: Good, cause its brilliant! You should write a book, you should give seminars, you’ll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs: all you have to do to fall asleep, is lie in your bed!!!
Melissa: (Nearly crying) Alright…Coach, I was just trying to help.
McGuirk: Alright, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that I haven’t slept in 4 nights, alright?
Melissa: Alright…
McGuirk: Then I got you peeping in my ear about stretching!
Melissa: I was just trying to help-
McGuirk: Like every other woman in my life!

: Cut to Nurse Kirkman’s Office. McGuirk is shirtless on the table :

Kirkman: Okay, but I don’t see anything wrong with you physically.
McGuirk: What about this? (Holds up green bottle) That don’t look right.
Kirkman: Okay, well we don’t-
McGuirk: Have you seen “African Queen”?
Kirkman: I’ll be right with you-There are children outside, waiting.
McGuirk: Well, bring them in. I don’t give a damn.
Kirkman:I don’t think-
McGuirk: Look. Lady you can come onto me all you want and I’m gonna say no everytime.
Kirkman: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry, I got carried away.
McGuirk: Look, forget what I said, I just need some help here. I haven’t slept in 4 days-
Kirkman: I know!
McGuirk: Alright?
Kirkman: Okay, there’s a sleep center, at the university. They do all kinds of research, so maybe they can help.
McGuirk: This seems like a brushoff…
Kirkman: It’s a referral!

: McGuirk walks past Lynch’s room, and the scene goes into Lynch & Brendon talking in the classroom :

Lynch: I can’t just give you extra time, Brendon.
Brendon: But I’m not ready!
Lynch: Well I can’t change the schedule of the Writing Fair just because of you, that would be like changing the day of the Art Fair because your painting wasn’t ready, or the State Fair because you didn’t have the world’s largest pig, or the day of the Health Fair because you didn’t have an STD, or the day of the Sociology Fair because you didn’t bring in a family that had fallen through the cracks of the very system that is supposed to protect it.
Brendon: But Mr. Lynch, I’m just-
Lynch: No!
Brendon: One week!
Lynch: No.
Brendon: One day.
Lynch: No.
Brendon: One hour.
Lynch: No!
Brendon: One minute.
Lynch: Okay, I’ll give you one minute. Instead of going on at 1:30, you’ll be going on at 1:31.
Brendon: Now was that so hard?
Lynch: Hmm..

: Musical Cut to the Sleep Clinic with McGuirk on a bed and the College Sleep Clinic Students helping him :

Girl College Student: Okay, well, Mr. McGuirk, did you understand the waiver you signed?
McGuirk: Uh, not really…
Girl College Student: Okay, great!
Male College Student: Hmm…we’re gonna monitor your brain waves now.
McGuirk: A little, uh-
Girl College Student: Just go ahead and hook you up.
Male College Student: We’re gonna try and figure out what’s keeping you up at night.
McGuirk: That’s the point, right?
Both: Yes.
McGuirk: It’s a little bright in here. Do those lights go off?
Girl College Student: We do need to keep those on.
McGuirk: Well how do you sleep? With the lights, how-
Girl College Student: Okay, could you just go ahead and sit up straight?
(The College Students talk between each other and hook up McGuirk)
McGuirk: So where do you want me? (Student pushes McGuirk down on the bed)
McGuirk: Ok, now how am I supposed to sleep with all this stuff on?
Girl College Student: Well, that’s for us to worry about.
McGuirk: Yea, but I’m not getting blood to my leg.
Male College Student: Did you ever get electrodes put on your face?
McGuirk: No-
Male College Student: Here it goes, welcome to town.
(The students put electrodes on)
McGuirk: OW! OW! That’s my eye. Can you take that one off-
Male College Student: Okay, looks good…
McGuirk: Can I ask one question? Can I ask one question, seriously?
Both: Yea, sure.
McGuirk: Is this Candid Camera?
Male College Student: Sir, we’re students. We’re just trying our best.
McGuirk: Well here’s a suggestion: go get someone who knows what they’re doing.
Male College Student: Sir, you might be little irritable since you haven’t slept.
McGuirk: Yea, that might be what it is, also maybe you don’t know what you’re doing.
Girl College Student: Ok, looks like we’re all set up here.
Male College Student: Great! Have a good night! We leave you alone now.
Girl College Student: We’ll see you in twelve hours.
McGuirk: I’m not hooked up!

: Cut to Paula dream sequence; Paula is dressed romantically and is with a Fabio-type in a Dentist’s office :

Paula: I know its wrong, but I don’t care. What is right and wrong anyway, when it comes to love? Let’s run away together now, somewhere, anywhere, I don’t care where. Let’s feel the blood in our veins, the passion burn through our skins, the madness curdle in our souls. (Paula continues speaking, but now in the role of the Dentist) Oh yes Shelia, yes! Free me from this nova cane called marriage! I confess that whenever I cleaned your gums, I always tried to look all the way down your throat, into your soul! (Cut to Paula working at the typewriter) Oh, this is good.

: Cut to Brendon in his room. He turns a light on and begins writing on a piece of paper :

Brendon: Oh, this is good.

: Cut to Jason & Melissa on the playground :

Melissa: Jason, I’m not gonna hurt his feelings.
Jason: He’s very fragile. I think I know him better than you do.
Melissa: Well, I don’t-
(Brendon walks up)
Brendon: Good news! I tapped into a very creative part of my brain last night.
Melissa: That sounds awful.
Jason: Brendon, did you use a drill?
Brendon: No. I used a dream.
Jason: (Laughing) Brendon, that’s poetic!
Brendon: Thank you.
Jason: Did you know they used to drill holes in people’s heads to let the evil spirits out?
Brendon: So I wrote down my dream, and its very creative to write down your dreams.
Melissa: Did you get a good scene out of it?
Brendon: Did I? Listen to this: Fade In. A man with an ice cream body enters a bicycle throwing contest. So he swims across the Pacific Ocean with a typewriter tied to his fingers while being chased by little sharks, wearing knapsacks. Then, he plays catch with his moose.
Jason: (Laughs) I like the little sharks.
Melissa: Brendon, that scene doesn’t make any sense at all and the writer’s fair is in two days!
Jason: Brendon, Melissa is right. Lose the sharks.
Brendon: Ok, I’ll uh…Ok…
Melissa: Brendon, I don’t think its going to work.
Brendon: Ok, ok. You’re right, you’re right. This was just an experiment anyway, the real stuff is almost ready. You didn’t think this was the real thing, did you? I was kidding this isn’t-I’m working on it though, I’m working on the scene, and it’ll be the best scene you’ve ever seen. No pun intended. Actually, the pun was intended.
Jason: You got me…
Brendon: I thought so…yea…

: Fade out into school, then into soccer field. :

[END OF ACT I]

: Close up of McGuirk. His eyes are crusty, and he looks halfway dead. Brendon stands next to him looking angry. :

Brendon: It’s just everything is stupid…and I can’t write anything, it’s stupid.
McGuirk: Brendon…
Brendon: Yea.
McGuirk: I haven’t slept now in six…days
Brendon: Did you try closing your ey-
McGuirk: Yea I tried that! The point is, is that, I can’t really keep my train of thought…
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: Alright, so while I’m talking, I may just… (McGuirk starts drooling)
Brendon: Coach?
McGuirk: What?
Brendon: Um…
McGuirk: What’s up?
Brendon: You were saying…
McGuirk: What are you doing?
Brendon: Talking to you, I guess.
McGuirk: Why are you talking and not practicing, Brendon?
Brendon: Because…I was…we were talking about my writer’s block. Remember?
McGuirk: Here’s what you do then…
Brendon: Coach?
McGuirk: Alright?
Brendon: Yea.
McGuirk: Take a scene from a famous movie, right?
Brendon: Right.
(McGuirk stares off)
Brendon: Coach?
McGuirk: What?
Brendon: Oh, nothing, you were just starting to tell me some advice or something…
McGuirk: Right, then just change the names around.
Brendon: Right.
McGuirk: Instead of using the name Vito Corleone, call him Marty.
Brendon: But that’s stealing.
McGuirk: Right, so don’t call it “The Godfather”, call it “The Grandfather”. Did you see Weekend at Bernie’s?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: Write a movie like that.

: Cut to Paula in another fantasy, this time on a bed :

XP: Shelia smiled as she lie…laid…lain…sat; Shelia smiled as she sat on the king-sized bed of the hotel with Lockwood sleeping soundly next to her. Just before falling asleep Lockwood had talked about a trip to the Grand Canyon, a romantic getaway, just the two of them. Suddenly the phone rang. Shelia panicked! Maybe it was the hotel manager calling to kick out the adulterers. Shelia answered the phone, it was room service. She some champagne and woke the sleeping Lockwood by kissing him on his dimpled chin. Oh, this is good.

: Cut to McGuirk and the college students :

McGuirk: Alright, you know what? I’m out of here.
Male College Student: Whoa, no! No!
McGuirk: Yea.
Male College Student: But you’re a great subject.
Female College Student: Yea, you haven’t slept in seven days this is great for our research.
McGuirk: Let me tell you something, I’m done. Got it? No more for me. If you want a guinea pig, get a rabbit. Or get a guinea pig.
Male College Student: Ok, whoa.
Female College Student: Great. Thank you for coming anyway.
Male College Student: And if you still can’t sleep you can consider returning…
McGuirk: Yea, I’m not returning, I’m out of here. Can I keep these, though?
Male College Student: Sure.
Female College Student: And here’s your check, Mr. McGuirk.
McGuirk: Check?
Female College Student: It’s your fee, for letting us study you.
McGuirk: $150? Just for this week.
Male College Student: Yea.
McGuirk: Wow! $150?!!
Male College Student: You betcha.
McGuirk: Do I keep getting more money if I keep staying?
Female College Student: Yes.
Male College Student: That’s how it works, yes.
McGuirk: Alright lets get going. Guys, hook me up.

: Cut to Brendon reading Paula’s novel :

Brendon: Wow. This is good.

: Cut to Jason, Melissa and Brendon reading the new script in the playground :

Melissa: Um, so Jason’s playing the dentist?
Brendon: Yes, and you’re the female.
Melissa: Shouldn’t this say root canal?
Brendon: No, it’s love canal. It’s a different kind of a…thing.
Melissa: I really have to kiss Jason passionately for five minutes?
Jason: Mmm…pucker up, sweet lips.
Brendon: Five minutes stage time, so that’s only like three and a half.
Melissa: Brendon, we can’t do this on stage.
Jason: Oh, Jason’s a fighter and a lover.
Brendon: Okay…I’ll clean it up, I’ll clean it up.
Jason: Melissa?
Melissa: Yea?
Jason: Can we do a little practice?
Melissa: No! Okay, we are going to be live in front of the entire school in a couple of hours, Brendon, what are we going to do?
Brendon: Don’t worry about it! I’m a writer, I’ll fix it.
Jason: Uh, Brendon?
Brendon: Yea.
Jason: Let’s run away.
Brendon: Nobody is running away, I just got to do some tinkering.
Jason: You have to pee?
Brendon: Tinkering.
Melissa: Brendon, live! In front of the whole school!
Brendon: Right…yes, no! We can’t! No, we won’t! I won’t! I’ll fix it.
Jason: Brendon, if I don’t get a good grade on this writer’s fair thing then I might have to go to summer school.
Melissa: I thought you were already going to summer school.
Jason: Well thanks a lot Melissa I was trying to get him going.
Brendon: Jason, don’t worry, you won’t have to go to summer school-
Melissa: No, he does have to go to summer school!
Jason: Melissa!
Brendon: Guys I gotta go tinker.

: Cut to the Writer’s Fair in the gymnasium :

Walter & Perry (going back and forth, sometimes in unison. I don’t feel like separating it all). This is a poem we wrote! Yea, Perry & I wrote a poem, and we’re going to do it for you…now, right now, for the writer’s fair. Ready? Ok…um, wait a second, we were supposed to have a, um, podium. Yes, we requested a podium. (Someone gives them a podium) Thank you. This poem is called, and we wrote it together, it’s a poem called: We Hate Fenton, by Walter & Perry. We hate Fenton cause Fenton sucks. We hate Fenton, Fenton so much. Fenton smells bad, Fenton sucks. Fenton, Fenton, we hate you. You’re an idiot, and I hope you turn blue. Cause you can’t breath. Fenton, Fenton, Fenton, hate-
Lynch: (Interupting) Wow, aren’t they great? Aren’t they great? Big hand for Walter & Perry!
Walter & Perry: We’re not finished!
Lynch: Yes you are. Next time…
Walter & Perry: Jinx! Jinx!
Lynch: Next up, is a one act play, written by and starring, Natasha…Critz, Critzvechis, am I pronouncing that correctly? How about a big hand for Natasha.
Natasha: Mother, I’m home. The horse bit me again, and foamed at the mouth.
Lynch: Brendon, you’re on next.
Brendon: I know.
Lynch: Nervous?
Brendon: No…
Lynch: You should be. This counts for all of your grade.
Brendon: What?!!
Lynch: Just kidding. Hahahaha…uhh…
Natasha: But mother, I cannot eat a (jail?), and I cannot feel my arms. (Falls)
Lynch: She’s good.
Brendon: She’s very good.
Lynch: The piano player is great.
Brendon: Piano player is fantastic…
Natasha: Mother…

: Fade out. Then into McGuirk’s home, where he is not seen until he pops up. :

McGuirk: Huh? McGuirk…one more session and you can buy a DVD Player. Alright? You want a DVD, Right? Coach? Coach? Stay with me…stay with me…DVD…DVD…(falls over sleeping) eye on the prize…(gets up) wake up! I need more coffee…I need the noise, what happened to the noise? Start digging up the street again for the love of God!

: Cut back to Writer’s Fair. Natasha has just finished her play. :

Lynch: Okay, okay! Natasha (pause) isn’t she something? Yes. Now please welcome a scene by Brendon, Jason and Melissa, in a Brendon Small production. Here they are.
Brendon: Forget the script.
Jason: What?!!
Melissa: Are you crazy?!!
Jason: No, he’s right, lets run away.
Brendon: Okay guys hum.
(All 3 hum)

· Rice Is Nice
Brendon: Rice is nice, but it’s just a grain.
Jason: I like rice, just the same.
Melissa: So I’m not insane.
(All of them singing over each other)
Melissa: Hola! I am Spanish rice!
Jason: Hello! I am pelom.
Melissa: And this my friend, is wild…
Brendon: I’m wild rice!!!
Melissa & Jason: Wild rice, wild rice, that’s his name, wild rice, get wild!

: Fade back to another Paula dream sequence :

XP: Shelia looked out over the vast Grand Canyon…it was big, it was vast, it was grand. Lockwood took some pictures, then realizing he could never show them to anyone tossed the camera into the canyon below. ‘That’s us’, said Lockwood, sporting a healthy wind burnt cheek. ‘We’re like a disposable falling camera in a canyon that’s constantly careening off things’…oh my God, this is awful.

: Cut back to Writer’s Fair and “Rice is Nice”

· Rice Is Nice
Melissa: Long grain or short grain-
Jason: Brown or white!
Brendon: Rice is the nicest grain, I-
All: LIKE!!!!!!!!

Jason: Yay for rice!
Melissa: Woo!
Brendon: Thank you!
Lynch: Alright, thank you very much. Thank you for coming out, that has been the Writer’s Fair. Good night, everybody, good night! I mean everybody, back to class. Now!

: Cut to McGuirk sleeping on the sleep clinic floors. The college students are with him. :

Both: Mr. McGuirk? Mr. McGuirk?
Female College Student: You can’t stay here.
McGuirk: Huh? What?
Female College Student: Mr. McGuirk, you’re sleeping again, go home.
Male College Student: Your insomnia is cured.
McGuirk: Oh no, no it isn’t! I was just dosing, that’s different.
Female College Student: I’m sorry, Mr. McGuirk, we can’t do it anymore.
McGuirk: Do what?!!
Female College Student: We can’t have you at the sleep study program if you’re sleeping.
McGuirk: C’mon, 150 more bucks! DVD Player!!! (Falls down)
Both: Aww…
Female College Student: He was a good subject.
Male College Student: Yea. (Pause) Well, I better call the police.
Female College Student: Yea.
(McGuirk sleeps and scratches himself)

CREDITS (Regular Ending Theme)

[End of “Writer’s Block” Time 22:22]