"Politics" Transcript

Done by: HomeMoviesFan

The Home Movies opening plays (through the TV) and the scene goes across the way to the school—but a crash is suddenly heard and the scene lowers to reveal a broken-in car. Shannon is inside. He is filing through a CD set.

Shannon: Got it, got it, got it. Oh, Sinatra! Don’t got it!

Cut to Jason drawing on a piece of paper with a blue marker. The scene pulls out to reveal Brendon and Melissa watching him draw while they write on paper.

Melissa: How about this for a campaign slogan? “You snooze, you lose, so don’t sleep through this election! Vote for Brendon Small for president of the Student Council!”

Brendon: It’s, it’s good.

Melissa: Thanks.

Brendon: But, you know, a campaign slogan should be something short and catchy, like, uh, “Nixon’s the One!”

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Brendon: Or, “I Like Ike”, or, uh, something like that.

Melissa: Right, right, I get it, I get it. How about this: “Vote Brendon Small for Student Government President because no job is too big for the boy they call Small! Brendon Small that is! So vote for him, so vote for him…for president…of the student council!”

A shot of Jason follows as he looks at Brendon and Melissa with a worried look in his face.

Brendon: That’s better! Yeah, that’s good!

Brendon looks at Jason.

Brendon: Yeah, uh, how’s the poster coming, Jason?

Jason: I drew a train.

Jason lifts his poster up. On it is a crudely drawn train and woman, there is scribbling all around the poster, and the bottom says “Jason Rules!”

Jason: And uh, I drew my mom in the corner.

Jason points to the crudely drawn woman, which apparently is how he sees his mom.

Melissa: How’s that gonna get Brendon elected?

Jason: Oh…I don’t know.

Brendon: Well it looks good!

Jason: Thanks. Um, Brendon?

Brendon: Yeah?

Jason: How about this for a slogan: “Think Big, Vote Small”

While Jason says the slogan, during the word “Big”, he puts his arms up, and during the word “Small”, he takes his fingers and scrunches them up against his eye.

Brendon and Melissa: Nah.

Brendon: I don’t know.

A shot of the ink from Jason’s pen flowing on the paper fades into a shot of the school. Cut to a shot of Thurman Thackery’s poster, lowering to Thurman talking to Brendon.

Thurman: So, the playground issue almost became my waterloo.

Brendon: Oh, man, I hear ya.

Thurman: But, with some good old-fashioned politicking, I was able to secure my legacy.

A shot of Brendon reveals that he used Jason’s crude poster (with the added words “Brendon for Presidint” [and no, that’s not a misspelling] on it) for a campaign poster.

Brendon: You know, one time I tried to secure my legacy, but it got it away.

Brendon points at Thurman, and then chuckles.

Brendon: …got away.

Thurman is not impressed.
Thurman: Yeah. Do you know that I have run unopposed in the last three elections?

Brendon: Do you ever do one of those three legacy races?

Jason’s poster falls behind Brendon.

Brendon: Ohh…

Thurman suddenly becomes harsh.

Thurman: Tommorrow, I’m gonna beat the pants off you, Small!

Brendon: Well, then I guess I won’t try to wear any.

Thurman: And try to not cry when you lose.

Brendon: Well, thanks for your advice, and, uh, let me just say this…

Thurman: Yeah.

Brendon sticks his tounge out at Thurman, where he gets spit on Thurman’s glasses.

Cut to Roth University, and into Paula’s class. Behind Paula is a crude drawing of her on the chalkboard.

Paula: Now, don’t misunderstand me, adjectives are good. But, 1, 2…uh…8 adjectives in a row are more than enough to describe some little red boat.

Cut to the published poet from episode 103- Method of Acting.

Published Poet: It’s a big, green boat.

Paula: Whatever, you get my point.

A woman raises her hand.

Woman: Excuse me, Ms. Small, do you think we could have a break now? I’m hungry.

Paula: Actually, I was hoping to get through these papers first. Can you ‘til then, Susan?

Woman: I’m Julie.

Man: I’m Susan. Can I take a break?

Paula: Listen, I really wanna plow through these papers.
The class moans and gripes simultaneously.

Paula: Cool it!! What is it with you people? What, what is this, some sort of a joke? Everytime is always something! It’s always whining, whining, whining! All you wanna do is go outside and smoke your cigarettes! I know that’s what some of you do and you should quit because it is bad for you. [Beat] Fine, take your little break, but remember this: I’ll be damned if I’m gonna waste my time on a bunch of…smokers.

Suddenly, Ken Addleburg (in his first ever appearance on Home Movies) opens the door with flowers.

Class: Surprise!!

Ken: Guess what? You were voted Nicest Teacher of the Month.

Paula: Really? Me? Nicest? Wow. That’s uh, that’s really, uh, wow.

Ken is holding a sheet.

Ken: Hey, somebody gotta sign for this!

Cut to Jason putting tape over a sheet (saying “CLOSED SET”) on the basement door. Circle in, and out into the basement. Brendon is on a cardboard pedestal with springs with gloves on them holding “Vote Small” picket signs. He, Jason and Melissa appear just to be ready to make Brendon’s campaign video.

Brendon: Hey, keep the camera low and aim it up so I look tall, because tall is good in politics, uh, and you know, Thurman Thackery is tall, and uh, Lincoln was tall, so—

Jason: Uh, his hat was tall. When Lincoln took it off he was a midget.

Melissa: So, Brendon, what’s your platform gonna be?

Jason: I think Brendon should the box.

Melissa: No, platform, as in political platforms.

Jason: Yeah, right, this box.

Brendon: Wait a minute, he’s right. This box is my platform.

Brendon is holding a tie and Melissa rolls her eyes.

Melissa: Forget it, let’s get this started. Action!

Brendon: Hey, I say action.
Melissa: No, I’m directing the film.

Jason: Just stay on the box.

Brendon: And…action!

Melissa: Action.

Brendon: Action.

Melissa: Action.

Brendon: Action.

Melissa: Go!

Into the campaign video…

Brendon: My fellow American students—a-hem.

Melissa and Brendon: Take two!

Into the campaign video…again…

Brendon: My fellow American students, it’s time for our school to move into the next millennium. Even though…we did sort of…already. [Brendon points his hand upward] I’m talking about learning from videos instead of books. Books can hurt your eyes. [close-up into Brendon’s eye rolling around]

Static; and then a shot of Brendon behind posters that say “Book Bad” and “Video Good”.

Brendon: Friends, has this ever happened to you?

Brendon pulls out a remote control and pushes a button. Static; and then a shot of Jason reading a book frustrated and dropping it.

Jason: I can’t read anymore! The words burn my eyes!

Cut to Jason in the eye doctor’s (Melissa) office. She points to a sign in Japanese. It says, when translated, “I can’t. I can’t read anymore.”

Melissa: Please read the top line, sir.

Jason: I can’t. I can’t read anymore.

Melissa: Just as I thought. You were reading too much. You’ll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life.

Melissa holds up a picture of Thurman Thackery during the next lines.

Melissa: They’ll call your four-eyes and idiot.

Jason throws away the glasses.

Jason: Then forget the glasses. I won’t read anymore.

Melissa: Then they’ll just call you idiot.

Jason: Okay, how about laser surgery?

Melissa: Well that’s fine if you don’t mind growing an extra arm…

Jason: I don’t mind, it will—

Melissa’s following line is accompanied by a twirling effect.

Melissa: Out of your eye!

Jason: Oh my god!

Cut to Jason with two eye patches on (one has a skull and crossbones on it) and Melissa.

Melissa: Next time you should just watch a video about history instead of reading about it.

Pull out to reveal that the school is watching it in the halls.

Melissa: Then you’ll learn the same exact thing, but without your eyes going bad.

Cut to a close-up of Shannon.

Shannon: That’s not a bad idea…

Pull out, it’s revealed that Shannon is toppled onto a defenseless boy.

Shannon: …what do you think?!

Back on the TV screen, Brendon marks his final words.

Brendon: There you have it, folks. So remember: Think Big, Vote Small. Brendon Small. [quietly and more cleverly] And don’t vote for Thurman Thackery.
Cut to a shot of Brendon gazing smugly at Thackery, who stands madly.

Circle out, circle into the soccer field. Coach McGuirk has his team huddle up.

McGuirk: All right, so, how many of you showed up yesterday and waited around for me in the pouring rain?

Every hand raises. One girl sneezes.

McGuirk: Gehisundite. All right, so pretty much everybody. Good. The reason I didn’t make it was I was out very late the night before, all right.

Melissa: Doing what?

McGuirk: Explanation over.

Melissa: What were you doing, Coach McGuirk?

McGuirk: Ah, it looks like I got a heckler!

Melissa: What?

McGuirk points at Melissa.

McGuirk: Uh, first, lady, let me remove my brain so we can start out as, uh, equals. Heheh.

Melissa: Hey!

McGuirk: Hey, uh, nice outfit. Some motel somewhere is missing a shower curtain. Huh? Heheh.

Melissa: Coach!

McGuirk: Who does your hair? Picasso? Huh?

Brendon: Coach…

Brendon gives McGuirk the “no” sign, but McGuirk ingores it.

McGuirk: Who does it? Honestly, who does it, lady?

Melissa: My dad.

McGuirk: Who’s your dad? Picasso?

Brendon: Hey, coach, uh, Melissa wasn’t heckling you.

McGuirk: Oh, look at this, folks! We got stereo hecklers! Hey, pal, I don’t bother you when you’re working, all right?

Brendon: I don’t have a job.

McGuirk: I don’t go down to the bus terminal and pee on the seats while you’re trying to clean them.

Brendon: Wha?

McGuirk: Because you work there.

Brendon: What are you talking about?

Cut to later, Brendon is talking to McGuirk privately.

Brendon: You’re doing comedy?

McGuirk: Not just comedy, Brendon, stand-up comedy.

Brendon: But you’re not funny.

McGuirk: What?

Brendon: What?

McGuirk: What are you talking about, Brendon?

Brendon: I mean, uh…

McGuirk: People around here lots of times say, uh, “McGuirk, you’re kind of funny”

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: And some of the teachers think I’m funny.

Brendon: Who?

McGuirk: Well, you know, when I go into the teacher’s lounge, I mean I’ll say something funny and people’ll laugh and they’ll be like, “You should do comedy”

Brendon: Oh.
McGuirk: All right? I have weird observations about things…

Brendon: Right.

McGuirk: …that are meaningful…

Brendon: Uh-huh.

McGuirk: …and, uh, I need to get them out there.

Brendon: Yeah, um…

McGuirk: It’s also a good way of getting things off your chest. You know, I gotta lot of anger, Brendon.

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: I need to channel that anger…

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: …usually I just have a few drinks in my apartment…

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: …start yelling and then pass out.

Brendon: Yeah…

McGuirk: Well, this is a way to bring that…energy from my apartment to the public. To the people.

Brendon: Ohh…well, what about soccer…and your actual job?

McGuirk: When I make it in stand-up, I won’t need soccer.

Brendon: Hmmm…

McGuirk: Even though I’m touting myself as the soccer comic.

Brendon: Mmm.

McGuirk: This is what I do Brendon: I go up in my coach’s outfit and my whistle, and the soccer ball in my hand, I set up a goal…

Brendon: Uh-huh.
McGuirk: It’s pretty funny, isn’t it?

Brendon: I would have to see it.

McGuirk: Well, Brendon, the whole point is that it is out of the element. You know, you’re used to seeing me here, because I am a soccer coach…

Brendon: I know.

McGuirk: But if you take that same soccer coach and put him in a different environment, that’s funny, people laugh.

Brendon: Do they?

McGuirk: They did.

Brendon: When?

McGuirk: At the beginning.

Brendon: Then what?

McGuirk: Well, then I told jokes. Then they didn’t laugh.

Brendon: Ouch.

McGuirk: You gotta start somewhere, you start with outfit.

Brendon: Right.

They watch a soccer player run into a post, and then fade into another part of the schoolyard where Shannon is walking.

Shannon: (Singing “Hail to the Chief”) Brendon! Hail future president!

Shannon reaches to Brendon on the soccer field, where Brendon is picking up soccer balls.

Brendon: Shannon! Uh, hi, uh, uh, what are you, uh…

Shannon: Relax. I just wanted to come by and wish you luck into tomorrow’s election. I think you’re gonna beat Thurman Thackery as I would.

Brendon: Wow. Well, uh, you know I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t think I have one heck of a chance at all.

Shannon: Brendon?

Brendon: Yes?

Shannon: You need more confidence.

Brendon: Well, I…

Shannon: You mark my words, you will win. And when you do, I will be there.

Brendon: Okay, I’m just gonna back away slowly…

Brendon backs away.

Shannon: Okay.

Fade into dinner at the Small’s house. Paula has put her flowers she got in a huge vase on the dining room table, which blocks her view of Brendon.

Brendon: Mom, I know you’re proud of your flowers and all, but can’t we just move the…uh, city?

Paula: No, I like them here. What were you saying?

Brendon: Move the flowers.

Paula: Before that.

Brendon: Uh, this meatloaf is dry.

Paula: No, before that.

Brendon: This is meatloaf?

Paula: Before that.

Brendon: This fish is dry.

Paula: Now, something about the election tommorrow?

Brendon: Oh, yeah, uh…the election is tommorrow and I think I’m gonna be humiliated in front of the whole school.

Paula: Oh, Brendon, being humiliated doesn’t matter, the important thing is that the whole school will be there.

During Paula’s last line, Josie splattered her dinner all over herself. Brendon slaps his forehead.

Paula: Oh my god, look at these flowers. How much do you think these cost?

Brendon: Mom, do you understand what I’m saying? I mean, if this election goes badly, I might have to change schools.

Paula: Uh-huh, uh-huh, I’m thinking minimum 60 dollars. I mean, flowers I got for my aunt Fae after she was mauled by that bear cost 50 dollars [close-up on Brendon getting madder] and they were nothing! Nothing compared to these!

Brendon: Mom! Would you forget about the damn flowers?

Paula: Brendon, watch your mouth!…Brendon, you still there?

Brendon: Yeah.

Paula: All I can see is flowers.

Brendon slips into his seat.

The next day at school, Brendon walks past the election results and Melissa.

Brendon: Hey, Melissa, what’s going on?

Melissa: Brendon, you won!

Brendon: What?

Melissa: You won the election, you’re president!

Brendon: I won?

Melissa: Yeah!

Brendon: I did!

Melissa: Yes!

Brendon: Oh my gosh, I won! I’m a president! Oh my god, I really am! Thank you everybody! Oh…thank you everybody…oh…this is fantastic.

Thurman: Congratulations…Small.

Thurman is there…except he has been apparently (as it would seem) beaten up, as he has a broken arm and a black eye.

Brendon: Well, uh, uh, Thurman, um…

Thurman: You won.

Brendon: Yeah, uh, uh, Thurman Thackery everybody! He lost and I won, can you believe it? I’m the president, I can’t get over this, I really am.

Thurman: Yeah.

Shannon: Brendon!

Shannon walks up, Thurman goes away.

Brendon: Shannon!

Shannon: Congratulations! I think you’re gonna make a great president!

Brendon: Oh, oh…I don’t think so.

Shannon: Nah-ah-ah-ah, didn’t I tell you that you’re going to win?

Brendon: Yeah. Yeah, you did say I was going to win, didn’t you?

Shannon: And because I was with you through the first, I humbly beset you for position in your inner circle.

Melissa walks up and hears of this.

Brendon: Hmm…

Melissa: Brendon!

Brendon: Hmm…

Melissa: No, Brendon!

Shannon: A-hem…

Melissa: No, Brendon, tell him he’s nothing but a trouble making bully and we don’t want that kind of riff-raff on our staff!

Brendon: Umm, Melissa, let me put this into my own words if you don’t mind…

Melissa: Take care of it.

Brendon: I will! All right? Shannon…

Shannon: Hmm-mmm?

Shannon squeezes a can of soda like no big deal, which immediately worries Brendon and Melissa.

Brendon: Welcome aboard, my friend!

Melissa is mad at Brendon’s choice.

[END OF ACT ONE]

A tied up, defenseless boy is shoved into a locker by Shannon. Shannon takes a deep breath, and a music montage begins with Shannon stealing a computer from the school stock room and giving it away for cold, hard cash. He throws the money into the air…and then beats up a poor little kid. Soon, four screens pop up depicting Shannon wrecking a car with a bat, writing graffiti on a wall ("Shannon WAS HERE”), giving a kid a swirly and beating up a teenager. His face then dominates the screen, and the next scene has the music montage over. Shannon is walking in the hallways, whistling his little tune, until he runs into Mr. Lynch.

Lynch: Shannon! What are you doing in the hallway during classtime?

Shannon: What are you doing in the hallway during classtime?

Lynch: I’m asking you! What are you doing in the hallway during classtime?

Shannon: What are you doing in the hallway during classtime?

Lynch: What are you doing in the—my students locked me out. But that’s neither here nor there. No, what are you doing in the hallway during classtime?

Shannon: Official student government business, flatfoot.

Lynch: Well, do you have an official student government business hall pass?

Shannon: Right here…

Shannon pulls out a letter than says “FROM THE DESK OF THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT: LEAVE HIM ALONE! B. SMALL”

Lynch: Well, uh, everything seems to be in order here. But, uh, we all know that you’re the one who broke into the cars and stole the CDs…
Shannon begins to file his nails.

Lynch: …I myself lost all of my Frank Sinatra.

Shannon: I love ol’ blue eyes.

Lynch: Oh, well, you’ll be glad to hear that I’m gonna be keeping a ol’ blue eye on you, Shannon, a big wide-open ol’ blue eye.

Shannon: That’s gross.

Lynch: Yes it is, Shannon. Yes it is.

The bell rings and Lynch approaches Brendon leaving class.

Lynch: Uh, Brendon, can I have a word with you, please?

Brendon: Can I have a word with you, please?

Lynch: Ha! Haha…

Brendon: Huh, huh…

Lynch: Huh?

Brendon: Uhh…

Lynch: Uhh…

Brendon: Uh.

Lynch: Brendon, rumors are flying around the school that you and Shannon…cheated on the election.

Brendon: What? That’s crazy!

Lynch: And, uh, I know that he’s the one who stole my entire “Chairman of the Board” collection.

Brendon: Oh, I didn’t know you collected those guys.

Lynch: Uhh…Brendon, I’ll be frank with you…

Brendon: Sinatra?

Lynch: Ha! You know, being associated with Shannon is just the thing that could keep you out a good film school, that and a, uh, nasty anonymous letter…from me. Think about it, Brendon.

Brendon sighs and fade into Brendon’s office, which on the door says “OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT” and there is a “Thing Big, Vote Small” bumper sticker on the bottom.

Melissa: You have to get rid of Shannon.

Jason: Get rid of him, Brendon, he’s a troublemaker.

Melissa: You have to fire him.

Jason: He’s not a good person.

Melissa: He’s mean.

Jason: He’s always threatening to de-pants me.

Melissa: Brendon, people are afraid to talk to me because of him.

Jason: I’m afraid to talk to you because of him.

Melissa: Shannon’s a bad apple.

Jason: He’s a bad seed.

Melissa: He’s a bad appleseed.

Jason: He’s bad applesauce.

Melissa: He’s bad apple pie

Jason: He’s bad applecrisp.

Shannon: Hi everybody!

Jason and Melissa: Oh, hi Shannon!

Melissa: How ya doing? We were just talking about you!

Jason: Yeah!

Shannon: Nothing about apples, I hope.

Melissa: Oh, no, no!

Jason: Why would you assume that?

Melissa: You look really good!

Jason: Umm….yeah, you don’t look bad.

Melissa: No, you look good. You look really good, Shannon.

Shannon laughs.

Melissa: Anyways, we should be going…

Jason and Melissa walk out, while Brendon sits frustrated.

Fade into another dinner, except now the flowers are dying.

Brendon: Shannon’s evil and now I’m evil. I’m my own evil twin.

Paula: Brendon, let me just say as someone who was voted…best teacher of the year…

Brendon: Whoa, whoa…

Paula: …you need to take responsibility…

Brendon: Mom, mom, it was “Nicest Teacher of the Month”

Paula: Huh?

Brendon: “Nicest Teacher of the Month”

Paula: Month, year, same difference, I’m still the best…

Brendon: Ohh…mom! Thank god these things are almost dead.

Ken Addleburg, dressed in a flower suit, has some flowers from Roth University and rings the Small’s doorbell.

Ken: Flowers! Are you old enough to sample this, little boy?

Brendon sighs once again.

Fade into the comedy club “Laugh Damn It!”, where pictures of their regular (and soon-to-be, maybe not-soon-to-be) comedians hang on the wall: Jay Bird and Patty, Crazy Mike and John McGuirk: The Soccer Comic. The host introduces the next member…
HOST: All right! Yeah! Please welcome to the stage, he’s a newcomer, please be gentle, John McGeek!

McGuirk enters up and puts two cones down. He obviously forgot the soccer ball.

McGuirk: Thank you! Thank you, it’s, uh, it’s actually McGuirk. John McGuirk. [he waves his hand to the crowd] So, how’s everybody doing tonight?

A shot shows the host and “Laugh Damn It”’s boss/owner. They’re both happy so far…

McGuirk: So, folks, you know you’re not allowed to, uh, double park in front of a bank. I didn’t know this. I double parked and they towed my car. It’s very embarrassing, ‘cause I come running out of the bank…’cause I robbed it. [starts to walk] And I see my car on the back of a tow truck, and I’m thinking…at least I can afford to get it back! [waits for laughs…none come] Because…I, I…robbed the bank. [coughs] All right…check my notes here.

McGuirk takes out a set of notes. As you can see, his comedy routine is going as expected.

McGuirk: Ummm…hey, what’s with classical music…on the radio? When are they gonna stop that? I mean…does anybody still listen? [several hands go up] No! Get rid of it! I mean, I mean…can we agree on that? When’s that from? I mean, there’s oldies and then there’s…oldies!

Another shot of the host and the boss/owner. The boss/owner is not happy with McGuirk, and the host backs away as to say “I didn’t cast him!”

McGuirk: I don’t wanna hear music from 16…40. All right…[coughs again, drops his notes] What’s with these pictures of, umm, you know, missing kids on the milk cartons? [drinks water] Umm, you know, I’m eating my cereal in the morning and I see this, you know, missing kid…well, thanks for depressing me [imitates water bottle for milk carton]. You know, it’s gonna be a good day, I guess I should go look for a missing kid.

McGuirk wipes the sweat off of his forehead. He definitely isn’t doing well.

McGuirk: Oh, here’s a funny one…so, a few weeks ago I was in a hotel room, right? And, uh, you know, hotel room’s offer that, you know, porn on television, you know? I order it up…and my mom says, “Hey, turn that off!” [people are starting to leave] ‘Cause she was there…she was in the hotel room with me, I was with my mom. Yeah. Now we’re cooking…[takes out another note]…classical music. [drops the note] How am I doing on time here? Keep it going? That’s it?

The lights start to go off. McGuirk is done…maybe for good.

McGuirk: All right, folks, uh, well, I’ve been, uh, I’ve been John McGuirk: The Soccer Comic. Thank you.

A few people clap for McGuirk’s attempt.

Back to dinner at the Small’s house. The new flowers are set up where the old ones used to be.

Paula: Brendon, are you alright?

Brendon: Mom, can we…move the flowers and have an actual conversation where we make eye contact?!

Paula: No! I like the flowers on the table! When I was growing up, my mother would never let us have flowers on the table! [Brendon sighs] She said they were dirty, carried disease, sucked up all the oxygen…ridiculous.

There are ants coming out of the vase and onto the table.

Brendon: Mom! Mom, there’s ants on the table.

Paula: What?

Brendon: Ants.

Paula: Oh my god, it’s these filthy flowers!

Paula knocks off the flowers of the table.

Back to “Laugh Damn It!”. It’s break time, and comedians have Black Hole Beer at the bar. A few resemble real life ones, like Carrot Top and Jerry Seinfeld. McGuirk is talking to…what else but a mime.

McGuirk: The dead cat thing is funny…ya listening to me? You know, you should use a stuffed animal and take all the stuffing out so it’s all flat, you know, and when you talk about the cat getting run over, the audience sees what you’re talking about. You gotta get them into your world, you know what I’m saying? The thing that I did, about the pimple was funny, right? I mean, I know needs…but, you know, right? I think I need a tag or something on the end…like, something that says to the audience, “Here’s the funny!” Man, you know, man, I’m really working up a thirst…Teddy! What’s his name? Why is every bartender named Teddy?

McGuirk laughs, while the mime doesn’t find it funny at all. He’s not even funny when he’s in a regular conversation.

McGuirk: It’s like they breed them in, uh, somewhere…in the midwest. Guys want another one? C’mon…stick with me.

The next day in the Small garage, Brendon has Shannon over while he, Jason and Melissa make a movie.

Brendon: Okay, uh, so, Shannon, you’re not in this part…yet.

Shannon: Okay…nice camera.

Brendon: Thank you.

Shannon: Good resale value, I’m guessing.

Brendon: Uh, thanks. [turns camera towards Jason and Melissa] Okay, Jason, Melissa, places!

Shannon: Uh, Brendon, does your place have any kind of alarm…system?

Brendon: No, are you kidding? …Wait, I mean, maybe.

Shannon: Do you have any big, vicious dogs?

Brendon: No.

Shannon: Hmmm…[mumbles something]

Brendon: But we’ve got a lot of ants!

Shannon: Ants?

Brendon: Um, yes! They’re, um, special security ants…

Shannon: Hmm.

Brendon: …from…Argentina?

Shannon: Uh-huh.

Melissa: Brendon?

Brendon: Yes.

Melissa: Jason and I are all set.

Brendon: Okay, well let’s all do this…um, action!

Brendon sets up the camera. Jason is using rope strands for hair and a mustache, and has a hat on. Melissa is using a garbage bag for her suit. Brendon is using his mom’s car for a car that Jason and Melissa will “break into”. Jason is using a coat hanger for a car opener. The movie is starting…

Melissa: Hurry up, Clyde! The coppers are coming!

Jason: Um, I can’t, Bonnie, I can’t break into the car because I can’t open the door.

Melissa: I thought you were a criminal.

Jason: I am! I stole this coat hanger, didn’t I?

Melissa: The cops are coming, Clyde, hurry!

Jason: Oh my god…[bangs coat hanger on the door faster]

Brendon: Cut, just cut! Umm…umm, it’s not working, it doesn’t look real. Um…not buying it. Gosh, we really need somebody that knows how to…uh, break into cars for real.

Melissa: Yeah…

Brendon: Yeah. I wonder…

Jason: That would definitely help…

Brendon: That would really help, wouldn’t it, guys?

They all turn to…Shannon.

Shannon: Don’t look at me! I don’t know the first thing about it. I just break the window.

Brendon: Really?

Shannon: Yeah.

Brendon: Well…that’s very intresting…

Jason: I didn’t think to do that.

Brendon: Would mind saying that again?

Brendon turns the camera around to Shannon and starts recording…

Shannon: Okay, um, well I just smash the window and open the door that’s the easiest way. So that’s how I broke into Mr. Lynch’s car and took all of his CDs. He had a lot of Sinatra CDs and I also broke into the principle’s car but, you know…she left the door unlocked.

Brendon: Uh, so you didn’t have to smash the window.

Shannon: No, I guess I didn’t have to.

Melissa: Shannon, how come you do that?

Shannon: Is she kidding? I am the criminal element. I’m your worst nightmare, baby! It’s what I do. You don’t steal, I do. I don’t play with dolls, you do. You don’t break into cars, I do!

Brendon: Yeah.

Shannon: Look, I’d love to stay and chat, but my levels are kind of nosediving. You know, I’ve gotta get stimuli before I crack. Sorry guys, it’s kind of dullsville here, you know.

Brendon: Okay.

Shannon: Good luck with this thing!

Brendon: All right!

ALL: Bye, Shannon!

Shannon goes out the door.

Brendon: Guys, we did it.

Jason: We did it!

Brendon: We did it!

Melissa: We got him on tape!

Jason: Sell door close!

They all starting singing…

ALL: We got Shannon, we got Shannon…right in the cannon, right in the cannon! We got Shannon, we got Shannon…

But, alas, during the second verse…Shannon’s voice appears.

ALL: …right in the cannon…

Shannon enters.

Shannon: …right in the cannon.

Shannon takes the tape out of the camera.

Shannon: Take care. Bye, bye kids.

Shannon whisks off with the tape…

Jason and Melissa: Bye!

Brendon sighs.

Brendon: I’ve gotta go for a walk.

The beach. Brendon is taking a walk until something under a bunch of seaweed talks to him…

McGuirk: Watch it, jerk.

Brendon: Coach McGuirk?

McGuirk: Brendon! What are doing in my house?

Brendon: You’re on the beach.

McGuirk: What are you doing on my beach? Oh, beach. Oh man, not again.

Brendon: Why are you sleeping on the beach, Coach McGuirk?

McGuirk: ‘Cause comedy’s tough, Brendon!

Brendon: Well, uh, you don’t look so good.

McGuirk tries to stand up.

McGuirk: Well, I feel fine.

He falls back down.

McGuirk: Actually I have a pounding headache…and there’s a fish in my pants.
Brendon: Umm…

McGuirk: You know what, Brendon, I can’t live like this.

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: I can do stand-up without the binge drinking…or I can just stop the stand-up. Do the drinking ‘cause I like that part.

Brendon: Right.

McGuirk: But, you know I can’t do both, I gotta take a stand, Brendon. One way or the other.

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: I’ve got to take a stand!

Brendon: Yeah.

McGuirk: Hey, do me a favor, will ya?

Brendon: What’s that?

McGuirk: Help me stand.

Brendon tries…but can’t do it.

Brendon: That’s not gonna happen.

At the school, Brendon makes a school assembly for his…resignation.

Brendon: Thank you all for coming here today.

Kid: We go to school here!

Brendon: Well…okay. I want to apologize for the reign of terror that has because I did not take the proper actions…

During the speech, Shannon is wondering…

Shannon: What’s he doing?

Melissa: Something he should’ve done a long time ago.

Brendon: …therefore I shall resign the presidency …effective at noon tommorrow.

Kid: Tommorrow is Saturday!

Brendon: Okay…noon today!

Kid: It’s two-thirty!

Brendon: All right, umm, two-thirty one. I shall resign officially at two-thirty one today.

Back to Shannon and Melissa’s discussion…

Shannon: Why is Brendon resigning?

Melissa: Because he knows it wasn’t a fair election, Shannon. You beat up Thurman and stuffed the ballet boxes and threatened everybody.

Shannon: No I didn’t!

Melissa: You didn’t?

Shannon: No.

Melissa: Well, then what happened to Thurman Thackery?

Shannon: I don’t know. Maybe he fell. He’s a stupid, clumsy kid.

Back to Brendon’s speech…

Brendon: So now I turn the office of the presidency over to the man who should have won…ladies and gentlemen, Thurman Thackery.

Thurman walks up…and then falls down the platform clumsily and painfully. Jason laughs at this. Melissa shrugs her arms at Shannon.

Melissa: Huh, well, look at that.

Jason: He’s umm…not getting up. [Jason chuckles some more]

Brendon: So, anyways, I’m still gonna, uh, resign. Any…questions? Anybody have any…um, requests?

Kid #2: Can we have pizza more?

Brendon: Pizza more. Have no idea what that means. Next question?

Kid #3: Ketchup a vegetable?

Brendon: Very good question. Ketchup is actually a fruit! It’s a magical fruit!

Once again, Melissa is talking to Shannon…

Melissa: But you did steal all those supplies and beat up those kids and stole the CDs…

Shannon: Yeah! ‘Cause that’s what I do, I’m a thug! We’ve been over this! What is so hard for you to understand?

Back to Brendon’s speech…

Brendon: …from outer space! Next question!

Kid #1: You suck!

Brendon: Looks like we got a heckler in the audience! Why don’t I take off my head and remove my brain so we can start as equals, huh? Hello?

Kid #1: Shut up!

Brendon: I don’t think that’s a question…

The credits start. The Home Movies theme starts, but it quickly stops as we get treated more to the (terrible) comedy stylings of John McGuirk: The Soccer Comic…

McGuirk: So, what’s with women and crying?

McGuirk’s Mom: Oh man, you suck!

McGuirk: Yeah, thanks mom! My mother, ladies and gentlemen. I remember first drink, too, lady. So, anyways folks…

McGuirk’s Mom: Yeah I remember your first drink, too. You were three and you drank your father’s gin.

McGuirk: Oh my god, that really is my mom.

McGuirk’s Mom: You know what sucks worse than you?

McGuirk: What?

McGuirk’s Mom: Nothing!

McGuirk: Oh…this is awkward. So, uh…

McGuirk’s Mom: Boo!

McGuirk: All right, mom, I get the point!

McGuirk’s Mom: Boooooo!

McGuirk: So, anyways…I’ve been John McGuirk: The Soccer Comic…

A few people clap…

FIN