Home Movies 413 “Focus Grill” Transcript
By HomeMoviesFan

Brief synopsis: Brendon, Jason and Melissa find their first movie, and set to make an ending to it, testing it to an uneven focus group; Coach McGuirk builds a grill for Paula.

(Home Movies TV screen)

(Brendon is filming a movie on the soccer course. Melissa and Brendon are weary shady clothes)
Melissa: Give me the film. We make the exchange now.
Brendon: Give me the diamond. Then I give you the film. Then we make the exchange.
Melissa: That is the exchange.
McGuirk: (offscreen) Brendon! Melissa! What the hell are you doing? Get in the game!
Melissa: You were supposed to come alone! You brought soccer coach?
Brendon: He followed me.
Melissa: It isn’t safe here.
Brendon: Hmm. Let’s go, I hope a paperboy doesn’t come.
(Jason pops onto screen in a paperboy outfit and holding a newspaper)
Jason: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Secret spy exchange going on during kids’ soccer game!
Melissa: Hey, boy! I’ll take one!
Jason: Here you go, ma’am. Enjoy reading about your own death.
Melissa: What?
Brendon: What?
(A soccer ball comes to Jason, and he picks it up and starts to run)
Jason: Um, I gotta go. You’ll never catch me! The diamonds are in the ball!
(Whistle blows, camera topples over)
McGuirk: Brendon, what did I tell you about making movies soccer games?
Brendon: (offscreen) You said no making a movie during an away game.
McGuirk: I did?

(Static, then cut to the Small basement. Walter, Perry, Junior and Fenton are watching the movie while sitting on beanbag chairs)
Junior: …What the heck was that supposed to be?
Fenton: What kind of comment are we supposed to give.
Junior: I don’t know…
Walter: That was weird.
(Brendon walks on screen, and gives them each a piece of paper)
Brendon: Okay, focus group, ready? Um, I’m passing out the comments cards. Now, I want everyone to be as honest as you can possible be.
Fenton: Heh, you serious?
Brendon: Oh yeah.
Fenton: Okay…

(The Small backyard. McGuirk tosses a huge box onto the ground, while Paula watches)
Paula: You don’t think it’s too big?
McGuirk: Paula, for the last time, it’s not that big, all right? I got the good one.
Paula: Yeah, but we’re just not a big family, John.
McGuirk: Look, you told me, go to the store, get a grill.
Paula: Yeah.
McGuirk: I went to the store, I got a grill.
Paula: I know, it’s…it’s just so big.
McGuirk: I know, I know, Paula, just listen to me. A grill is something you buy once in your lifetime.
Paula: Uh-huh.
McGuirk: Maybe twice…or three times…until it breaks. You gotta get a good one and a big one.
Paula: I don’t know.
McGuirk: Look, when this comes together, Paula, you’ll be grilling everything. Chickens, steaks, anything! Things you find in the yard…
Paula: You know, honestly, it was a little more than I wanted to spend.
McGuirk: Paula, look at me, look at me.
Paula: Uh-huh.
McGuirk: Do I know grills? Do I? I do.
Paula: Okay.
McGuirk: I went to the store, got the right grill for you. It’s perfect…look at the picture.
Paula: Yeah, it looks nice in the picture.
McGuirk: They have a grill.
Paula: Yeah.
McGuirk: It’s this grill. Now you have it, alright?
Paula: Yeah.
McGuirk: It’s called America.
Paula: Okay.
McGuirk: Look how happy that family is.
Paula: Yeah.
McGuirk: Except the kid.
Paula: I…I mean…it’s so big…
McGuirk: Is he crying?
Paula: It’s just so big, you know.
McGuirk: Paula?
Paula: Yeah?
McGuirk: It is big.
Paula: Yeah.
McGuirk: But we are gonna have the biggest grill in the neighborhood, and believe me-
Paula: Wait-
McGuirk: A lot of people, you haven’t had a grill before.
Paula: I just wanted to cook a couple burgers, you know?
(McGuirk tries to open the box)
McGuirk: No, no, it’s way beyond that Paula. How do you open this box?
Paula: I think you just tear there on the perforated line.
McGuirk: Oh, it says open here.

(Brendon, Jason and Melissa view McGuirk and Paula from the inside window)
Jason: Hey, Brendon?
Brendon: Yeah?
Jason: Is Coach McGuirk gonna be you dad?
Brendon: I…I don’t think so.
Jason: Then why is he helping your mom make a grill?
Brendon: ‘Cause she wanted a grill, dude-
Melissa: It’s kind of a dad thing to do.
Jason: Yeah.
Melissa: Get the grill all set up.
Brendon: Yeah, I don’t know.
Jason: Brendon, they both kind of do look good together.
Brendon: Eh, they’re a good height for each other.
Jason: Well, in a way that they’re both, like, dumpy.
Brendon: They both have, I think, probably the biggest collection of sweat pants then any other human I know.
Jason: Right, that’s never a good look.
Brendon: Yeah.
Jason: Brendon, maybe your mom just needs to put a little extra effort.
Melissa: Yeah.
Jason: Then she can attract a guy.
Brendon: I don’t…I don’t know what to say about that.
Jason: I mean, come on.
Melissa: She’s never gonna get a man looking like that.
Jason: Yeah.
Brendon: Yeah.
Melissa: She should wear a little makeup.
Brendon: Well…
Jason: Melissa, you got a little makeup on
Brendon: Yeah.
(Melissa bounces up from behind the windowsill to reveal she has more than enough makeup on her face)
Melissa: I do! Yeah, I was waiting for you guys to notice.
Brendon: Yeah, yeah, you’re wearing a tiny, little touch of makeup.
Melissa: Just a little bit. A little experiment.
Jason: Did you do it yourself, or did you have help?
Melissa: No, I did it myself. I just sat myself in front of the mirror.
Jason: Wow. You had a mirror?
Melissa: Yeah!
Jason: Oh, fun, wow.
Brendon: Looking good.
Jason: Yeah, excellent.
Melissa: Thank you.
Brendon: Not bad. Can I ask, is there any left?
Melissa: Yeah.
Jason: In…in the world?
Brendon: Because…the reason he says that is because that it looks very good.
Melissa: …Thank you.
Jason: There’s a lot of it.
Brendon: Yeah, there is.
Melissa: Stop, guys, I’m blushing.
Brendon: Oh, wow, you would…hardly…ever be able to know.
Jason: Yeah.
Brendon: Maybe we should go down and check on those comment cards.
Jason: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brendon: You think they’re finished with those?
Melissa: Probably.
(Melissa steps down and leaves)
Jason: Looks horrible, right?
Brendon: Yeah.

(Small basement. The “focus group” is reading off there cards to Brendon, Jason and Melissa)
Junior: Well, I’ll tell you right now, that movie sucks.
Perry: Well, I didn’t get it.
Walter: Yeah, it didn’t make any sense.
Perry: Nope! It stunk.
Melissa: Guys, guys, did you write it on the comment card?
Perry: Nope, we drew pictures.
(Fenton hands Brendon his card)
Fenton: Here’s my card, Bren-Bren.
Brendon: Okay.
Fenton: Read it!
Brendon: Well, I’m supposed to read it later on, but-
Fenton: No, read it now!
Brendon: It says, “Boooo…”
Fenton: Yeah, and it wasn’t even enough room to write on the comment card to tell you everything I thought was wrong about the movie. So I just summed it up.
Brendon: Well, okay, thank you.
Fenton: I mean, I could go through it right now for you.
Brendon: That’s-
Fenton: I know it would be a help. Um, one of the things I thought, well, let’s start with character.
Brendon: Okay.
Fenton: Wrong! Just got it wrong.
Brendon: I just got it wrong?
Fenton: Yes!
Brendon: Okay.
Fenton: And your character’s an empty vessel.
Brendon: Right.
Fenton: And even the vessel part’s not working for me.
Brendon: Okay, um…
Fenton: I mean, I never understand the character’s motivations.
Brendon: What?
Fenton: And he starts things too early and you get out too late.
Brendon: Well, you-
Fenton: There’s no composition! The composition of the frames aren’t telling the story.
Brendon: You didn’t right that one down, though, on the comment-
Fenton: No, I wrote “Boooo…” Because the point is I would give you comment if I thought there was something that could salvage it.
Brendon: Well, I’m…I’m…this is…
Fenton: I’m gonna go home and type something up.
Brendon: Alright, well-
Fenton: Do you have a fax? Do you have a fax? My mom has a fax.
Brendon: No, I don’t think we have a fax. No.
Fenton: Oh. Oh! I know what I can do! I could go home, and shoot my own movie about how bad your movie was. (leaving) Well, see you later.
Walter: Fenton has bad breath.
Fenton: I heard that!
Perry: Shh! Write it down on the comment card.
Walter: I did.
Perry: Oh, okay.
Walter: (reading) Perry has nice hair, Fenton has bad breath.
Junior: Hey, would you two do me a favor and shut up for like, one minute?

(Later, same place. Brendon, Jason and Melissa [still wearing makeup] stand next to the beanbag chairs)
Jason: Wow.
(Jason falls down onto a beanbag chair, stumped)
Melissa: So, Brendon, is that how you thought it would go?
Brendon: No, Melissa, I was hoping-
Melissa: Didn’t go so well, did it?
Brendon: I was hoping it’d go a little better, actually.
Melissa: Hmm-mmm.
Brendon: I was hoping that the movie would be received well and we wouldn’t have to change anything.
Melissa: Yeah…so maybe, we shouldn’t had made the spy movie during a soccer game.
Jason: Guys, guys, guys, guys!
Brendon: Our lead starlet should maybe get a better accent that’s not fake German/Russian.
Melissa: Well, maybe our writer-
Jason: Stop! STOP! God, can’t you see that you’re tearing us apart? My god, we can’t sit around and argue like this. It gains nothing. Brendon, give me a boost.
(Jason topples onto Brendon, trying to get onto the top of the film library)
Brendon: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Melissa: What are you doing?
Jason: Going up. Ah, remember this?
(Jason throws down a tape to Brendon that has the title of “EAZY TRIKER’S”)
Melissa: Wow.
Brendon: Yeah.
Melissa: It’s our first one.
Jason: It’s our first movie.
Brendon: Numero uno.
Jason: Right. Remember what it represents.
Brendon: What?
Jason: Or, what it represented. Our journey was just beginning. We weren’t jaded. We weren’t…we weren’t stars.
Melissa: We weren’t struggling, but we were happy.
Jason: Right! We had passion. We did it because we loved make films. We loved the process, we loved…(sighs)
Melissa: It’s okay, Jason.
Jason: No. It’s not okay. Idiot.
Melissa: Hey!
Jason: Why don’t you put more makeup on?
Melissa: I just reapplied.
Jason: And look at you, Brendon!
Brendon: Huh?
Jason: Look at you.
Brendon: Huh?
Jason: What is wrong with you, huh?
Brendon: What?!
Melissa: Jason, come down off the-
Jason: No! NO! I’m not coming down until we settle this.
Brendon: It’s settled…
Melissa: It’s settled! Let’s watch the movie!
Jason: Is it settled?
Melissa: Yeah.
Brendon: Yeah.
Jason: I’ll come down.

(Static; and then a young looking Brendon, Jason and Melissa are seated in the usual sandbox, dressed up as cycle riders and are seated on easy trikes)
Young Brendon: You think we lost them, man?
Young Jason: I don’t know, man.
Young Melissa: I think we lost him.
Young Brendon: Mama, I don’t think we lost him, man.
Young Jason: Well, let’s get on our bikes and ride, mama!
Young Melissa: But we stand here at a crossroads! Which way do we turn?
Young Jason: It don’t matter. We just got to ride, sister!
Young Brendon: No. We stay and fight, man.
Young Jason: No man!
Young Brendon: We stay at fight, man!
Young Jason: No, no, no man!
(A credit saying “A FILM BY BRENDON SMALL” appears, and then movie over)

(Small basement; the present trio is finished watching the film, and Brendon turn off the TV)
Brendon: Wow.
Melissa: Yeah.
Jason: Yeah.
Brendon: Whoa. That’s…that’s an old movie.
Melissa: I can’t believe it. We never finished it.
Jason: Yeah.
Brendon: What?
Melissa: We never finished the movie.
Jason: How come we didn’t finish it?
Brendon: Well, I for one, see that as a finished movie.
Melissa: Well, no Brendon. There’s no ending to it.
Jason: We didn’t agree on an ending, remember?
Brendon: Oh, right
Melissa: That’s right.
Brendon: …right.
Jason: Remember, I wanted the throw up monster to come.
Melissa: Yeah.
Jason: You know, the big monster who throws up and then everybody who gets in the way of the throw up gets-
Melissa: That’s how you wanted to end all of our movies at that time.
Brendon: Yeah, you went through a real throw up monster phase.
Melissa: Guys, I have a great idea. Are you ready?
Brendon: Uh-huh.
Jason: Uhh, yeah.
Melissa: Let’s finish the movie. Let’s do it! Let’s finish our first movie.
Jason: Not that one.
Melissa: Yeah, that one! Come on, it’ll be fun!
Brendon: All right, maybe what we can do is this: We can all come up with our own endings, shoot them, and have the focus group decide which one’s the best, all right?
Jason: Well, I know I have my ending R.T.G., throw up monster. So I’m in on that.
Melissa: I’m in.

(Small backyard. Coach McGuirk is drinking some beer alongside grill parts. Brendon, in a biker outfit approaches him)
Brendon: Hey, coach. How’s it going?
McGuirk: Good. I’m on my third beer.
Brendon: Good.
McGuirk: That’s when it all starts to get a little clearer.
Brendon: Sure is taking you a long time to put this whole thing together, you know?
McGuirk: Well, you can’t rush a grill, Brendon.
Brendon: I believe…you might be able to.
McGuirk: That takes time.
Brendon: Yeah?
McGuirk: Look at all these pieces. You know, they all go someplace and I don’t know where they go.
Brendon: Okay, yeah.
McGuirk: So, what are you dressed up like a geek for?
Brendon: Oh, no, I’m not a geek, I’m a biker.
McGuirk: You’re a biker?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: Why do you want to be a biker, Brendon?
Brendon: No, it’s for a movie.
McGuirk: Right. It’s never real with you.
Brendon: Well…
McGuirk: It would be nice if once you truly wanted to be a biker.
Brendon: Instead of pretending-
McGuirk: You can’t live in a fantasy world your whole life.
Brendon: Well, so far I’ve been doing an okay job with it.
McGuirk: Pass me that beer and that wrench.
Brendon: (handing the objects to McGuirk) All right, beer…and a wrench. Don’t mix them up. (chuckles)
McGuirk: So, you’re doing a movie. Another movie?
Brendon: Yeah, I’m doing another movie. But, ah…I don’t know. I’m supposed to be writing an ending, but I’m having…I’m having a lot of trouble. Just ending it, you know?
McGuirk: Well, end it with a grill. Put the grill in it.
Brendon: Put the grill in it?
McGuirk: Yeah. Like have everybody grilling in the end and film it.
Brendon: Think…think that’s a good way to-
McGuirk: I don’t think there’s ever been a great grill scene in a movie.
Brendon: No, there really hasn’t…
McGuirk: Name one.
Brendon: Right.
McGuirk: (tooling around with the wrench) I’ll have this baby up and working in about an hour.
(The grill pieces all fall down)
Brendon: Yeah?

(Small basement. The focus group is there again. Jason introduces today’s feature)
Jason: Thank you, and welcome to a very special showing of our new film. My name is Jason Penopolis and I am one of the co-producers. We’re gonna show you three different endings. And you, focus group, gets to decide which one we use in the final movie. Isn’t that exciting?
Walter: Yay!
Jason: Okay. So, let’s roll the film.

(Static; then the very first movie again)
Young Brendon: We stay and fight, man.
Young Jason: No man!
Young Brendon: We stay at fight, man!
Young Jason: No, no, no man!
(More static; cut to the sandbox currently, where the three are wearing different clothes than before)
Melissa: Wait! I have a magic wand! (takes out a wand, and waves it around. She turns into a princess) Surprise! I’m really Princess Pretty! And I’m gonna save us all! I’ll turn you two into handsome princes who are also excellent fighters.
(Melissa transforms Brendon and Jason out of their biker clothes into Robin Hood-esque wear)
Jason: We are now fearless warriors…in tights.
Brendon: Fearless and handsome, we will fight to win.
Melissa: Quiet! I think I hear my mother’s voice calling me through the wind! She has returned to my father and is calling me! (pan to Melissa in different wear on top of a castle balcony; slightly sing-song) Princess Pretty! Oooo… (cut back to “Princess Pretty” Melissa) I will now fly back to my mother and father and I will return for you two later. (trying to have the wire to lift her up work) I need to fly back to my family now…I want to fly. I want to fly! (the wire lifts her up) I’m flying! I’m fly- (shoves her back down onto the ground, where she pouts; the image freezes)

(Small basement)
Junior: It’s official. I have the creeps.
Fenton: It doesn’t work. There’s absolutely no justifications for her actions. Heheh, it’s false.
Melissa: (with even more makeup on) She’s magical, Fenton.
Fenton: It’s false!
Jason: Okay, any more question for the hauteur of that ending?
(Perry raises his hand)
Melissa: Yes?
Perry: Who does your makeup?
Melissa: I do.
Walter: You should have someone else do it. Or you should have someone else in the movie besides you. High five, Perry!
Perry: (high-fiving Walter) Boop!
Jason: Okay, okay, okay. Here’s…here’s your next ending and it is by your’s truly, me. Enjoy!

(Static; first movie again)
Young Brendon: No. We stay and fight, man.
Young Jason: No man!
Young Brendon: We stay at fight, man!
Young Jason: No, no, no man!
(Static; cut to the sandbox again, as the trio cowers over a huge shadow)
All: Oh my god! Here’s the throw up monster! (clip of a bloated Jason [in a villain suit] throwing up on the ground) Don’t throw up on us!
(The clip rolls again; the throw up is supposedly in 3D, as the focus group is wearing those funky glasses)
Brendon: What a mess!
Melissa: Who’s gonna clean this up?
All: (covered in a mess of throw up) Oh, my eyes!
(The clip runs again)
Brendon: It’s burning! It’s like acid!
(Shot of the trio as skeletons in a pool of vomit. The credits roll while a parody of “Planet of the Apes” in seen in the background)

(Small basement)
Jason: So, isn’t that…that was pretty great. It was a nice choice of the end. Any comments or questions for me?
Junior: That was not so great…but, that’s better than the princess bullshit.
Melissa: Hey!
Fenton: Uh, that’s not a twist. It’s just stupid.
Jason: Well…um…save it for the comment card, Fenton.
Fenton: Well, I’m sorry. That was not good.
Brendon: (easing a crying Jason) Fenton, I appreciate that you have opinions, but if you can keep them to yourself, you know, that’d be great.
Fenton: Well, what’s the point, of having a screening if we keep our opinions to ourselves? You just don’t want to hear criticism that it was bad.
Walter: I have an idea! What if in the end, me and Perry…
Perry: Hmm-mmm. That’s good!
Walter: …walk up to the camera and start to dance…
(They start to dance like Peanuts characters)
Fenton: Bren-Bren! Where’s your ending? I thought you had an ending, too!
Brendon: Well, the screening has been postponed.
Fenton: Why?
Brendon: Well, because-
Fenton: I want to see it now!
(Fenton gets up)
Brendon: Well, it’s not…it’s not prepared yet.
Fenton: No! The other endings are still fresh in my mind. I want to see it now!
Brendon: I’m having a little difficult time wrapping it up.
Fenton: What do you mean you’re having a difficult time wrapping it up?
Brendon: Well, it’s very difficult coming up with an ending.
Fenton: What do you mean it’s difficult coming up with an ending?
Brendon: Well, I mean-
Fenton: It’s at the end!
Brendon: Well, it’s at the end, but it’s sometimes hard to come up…to come up with that part…
(Fenton closes in on Brendon)
Fenton: Why are you stammering so much?!
Brendon: Well, because you’re standing very close to me. Standing very…
Fenton: Well, I know, I’m trying to find out where the ending is.
Brendon: And you’re talking very loud to me.
Fenton: Bren-Bren, come on!
Brendon: And now you’re breathing…
Fenton: I want to see it!
Brendon: Stop it!
Fenton: I want to see it!
Brendon: Stop it!
Fenton: I want to see it!
Brendon: Stop it!
Fenton: I want to see it!
Brendon: Stop it!
Fenton: I want to see it…

(END OF ACT ONE)

(Small backyard. Jason hikes out in a part of the grill, while Coach McGuirk and Paula look on the entire mess)
McGuirk: So, uh, here’s the first pass.
Paula: Uh, John, can I, uh, can I…
McGuirk: I know it looks a little like a lump of metal.
Paula: Uh-huh.
McGuirk: But it’s gonna be a grill eventually. When I get it into shape…
Paula: Believe me, my expectations are low at this point.
McGuirk: Well, that’s helpful.
Paula: Listen, I need-
McGuirk: Lost some parts. I got mad and threw stuff.
Paula: Okay, we’ll deal with that later. Let me ask you something, John.
McGuirk: Sure!
Paula: Did you send Brendon out to get beer for you?
McGuirk: No! No! Why would I…are you kidding me?! I’m…I’m thirty…thirty eight years old!
Paula: Uh-huh.
McGuirk: I wouldn’t send a kid to…no!
(Brendon walks onscreen)
Brendon: Hey, Coach, here’s your ID.
McGuirk: Um…Brendon, you took my ID?
Brendon: Here’s your fake mustache back.
McGuirk: This is definitely something between you and your son, Paula…so…work it out. Where’s my money?
Brendon: (handing a wad of cash to McGuirk) Here you go.
McGuirk: Thanks. Paula! Deal with him! Punish! Punish! (walking over to the sandbox) Jason, come here!
Brendon: Mom, um, I need to talk to you about Melissa and her face.

(Small basement. Jason and Melissa are sitting on the beanbag chairs. This time around, Melissa has enough makeup that it swallows almost her entire face [still trying to get why Erik hasn’t done anything so far])
Melissa: Hey, Brendon.
Jason: Hey, Brendon.
Brendon: Hey, guys, how’s it going? Uh, how did the endings test? How did the beginning test? How did the-
Melissa: Not a lot of comments on the ending.
Jason: I tallied up everything, 24 hated it…
Melissa: Yeah.
Brendon: Okay.
Jason: …and so far…zero liked it.
Melissa: Yeah, it’s kind of varying degrees of how much they hated it.
Brendon: So…the word “hate” came up? The actual word “hate”?
Jason and Melissa: Yeah.
Jason: Yeah, pretty much in every card.
Brendon: Okay.
Jason: There are one, two, three, four-seven death threats.
Brendon: Seven death-
Jason: Stuff like “I’ll kill you”.
(Brendon sighs; Paula walks onscreen)
Paula: Hey, kids.
Melissa: Hi, Mrs. Small.
Paula: Oh, hi Melissa. (cringing at the sight of her) Oh, wow! Look at you! You’re all…made up.
Melissa: Yeah.
Paula: Yeah, it looks…um…looking all made up.
Melissa: Yeah!
Paula: Um, hey, you want to, um, come upstairs for a minute? You know, have a little girl talk?
Melissa: Sure! Well, can we go right now?
Paula: Yeah, sure.
Melissa: (running out) I’ll meet you up there!

(Paula’s room. Paula and Melissa are sitting on the bed)
Paula: Okay, uh, here’s thing about the way you’ve got the makeup on now.
Melissa: Uh-huh.
Paula: You look like a lunatic.
Melissa: But, pretty right?
Paula: Oh, no. You’re beautiful, Melissa. You look ver-you’re a very pretty girl, Melissa.
Melissa: Thank you.
Paula: With beautiful features.
Melissa: I love girl talk.
Paula: Yeah, that’s why we want to, um, bring it out and not cover them up.
Melissa: Okay…
Paula: Yeah, how many containers of blush did you actually use, Melissa?
Melissa: Two?
Paula: Okay, that’s an easy mistake. Um, but you know, you’re trying to accentuate your features. Do you know what that means?
Melissa: I see where you’re going, but I need an example.
Paula: Okay, um…
Melissa: Like how would you do my lips differently?
Paula: Well, it’s probably that you don’t want the lipstick to be so thick.
Melissa: But I like when I drink something, and the lipstick is all over the cup.
Paula: Well, maybe, again, just a little tad less. Less is more.
Melissa: Okay, these are all good tips.
Paula: Well, now, I don’t mean to mother you…
Melissa: Oh, please. By all means…
Paula: Well, it’s not my place to say this, but you know, you’re a little young to be wearing makeup.
Melissa: You think so?
Paula: Well, I didn’t start until I was…uh…
Melissa: I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear makeup.
Paula: Okay, good point. Um, I’m actually not sure I’ve ever worn any. I’ve always thought that makeup is for special occasions. You know, like if you’re on a date, or at a funeral…
Melissa: You never really date, though, do you?
Paula: Melissa, I date.
Melissa: Hardly.
Paula: Okay, well, maybe not very often, but…what’s so horrible about not dating? It’s not so bad?
Melissa: Don’t you want to date?
Paula: You know what, let’s not talk about me dating anymore, because I’m getting a little sensitive.
Melissa: But it’s girl talk!
Paula: Yeah…
Melissa: We’re talking about makeup and dating…it’s fun!
(Paula pours her self some wine and drinks it)
Paula: Uh…sort of.

(Small backyard. McGuirk is underneath the almost completed grill, and Brendon walks over)
Brendon: Hey, Coach, can I talk to you for a second?
McGuirk: Sure.
Brendon: What…what is going on with you and this grill?
McGuirk: We love each other.
Brendon: I know, but besides that. I mean, like-
McGuirk: What more do you want?
Brendon: I just…I just want to know. Like, I mean, you’re not finishing this thing…it’s taking an abnormal amount of time.
McGuirk: It typically does not take over a week to build a grill.
Brendon: Yes, that’s what I’m saying.
McGuirk: I’ve made the occasional mistakes.
Brendon: I’ve seen you backtrack a few times.
McGuirk: Sometimes you have to start over…
Brendon: Right.
McGuirk: If things really go wrong.
Brendon: Right.
McGuirk: I’ve done that a few times.
Brendon: You know, it’s really easy to put one of these things together, I think. I think it’s a lot easier than you’re allowing it to be…and it’s not really your grill. Think about that.
McGuirk: Wow, Brendon, you know how to hurt a guy.
Brendon: Well, I’m not trying to hurt you feelings, I’m just saying-
McGuirk: Well, it is partly my grill. I mean, I’m putting it together, I went and bought it.
Brendon: My mom paid for it…so, I mean, like, what I’m saying is that I think you’re setting yourself up, like, for some kind of disappointment here, ‘cause it’s-
McGuirk: Well, number one, Brendon, you can’t put a money value on everything, alright?
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: It’s just not who paid for it…it’s who put the care and the time and the effort in trying to build it.
Brendon: You are so drunk.
McGuirk: (reverting to state of drunkenness) Yeah! I am.
Brendon: Oh.
McGuirk: Brendon, get over here and give us a huge, come on!
Brendon: Okay.
(Brendon walks over and hugs McGuirk)
McGuirk: We love each other! Me and you and the grill…and we’re gonna grill!
Brendon: Coach, are you moving into the backyard, can I ask?
McGuirk: What…because of the tent?
Brendon: Yes, exactly, ‘cause I did want to bring up the tent.
(Cut to a shot of the backyard that shows that McGuirk has in fact set up camp there)
McGuirk: I stayed here last night. I was working late on the grill.
Brendon: Alright.
McGuirk: The generator keep you up?
Brendon: Yes, in fact, the generator did keep me up a little bit.
McGuirk: Yeah, well, I had to put a light on the-believe me, it’s gonna get done today.
Brendon: All right, all right.
McGuirk: We’ll be grilling by…what time is it…we’ll be grilling by six. I can guarantee that.
Brendon: Are you keeping the tent here?
McGuirk: I’ll probably stay over tonight.
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: I mean, if we grill at six, I might as well stay.

(Static; then the very first movie yet again plays)
Young Brendon: No. We stay and fight, man.
Young Jason: No man!
Young Brendon: We stay at fight, man!
Young Jason: No, no, no man!
(Static; then Brendon, Jason and Melissa in front of a western background, riding huge bikes [Jason’s bike being the largest])
Brendon: I’m sick of finding myself on the road. It’s been taking way too long. These hotels are too expensive and I’m sick of looking at the map and the road at the same time. I’ll get killed if I keep doing that.
Melissa: I don’t wanna find myself either. It’s more intresting not knowing where I might be.
Jason: Maybe we should build a house together out of our bikes and random trash and live in it forever…together.
Melissa: Yes.
Brendon: Yes.
(Cut to Brendon, Jason and Melissa on top of the grill, with a façade of their bikes on the front)
Brendon: Not a great house, but our house.
Jason: Not really a house, but a pile of trash.
Melissa: Assembled out of random parts that were not intended to be put together,
Brendon: But a strong foundation, nonetheless, my friends.
Melissa: Yes. Though our windows are spoked and filthy and the door laden with bicycle grease, our foundation be solid.
(Pan to McGuirk, reading the instruction manual for the grill, who pulls it up to cover his face in embarrassment)
Jason: Solid like our souls.
Brendon: Stand strong, my friends, for together we may weather fierce things and torrid horrors. Yea, Lord, we fear not your wrath…be us flawed, and possibly overcompensating for other things, oh, perhaps too fat…
Jason: Hey!
Brendon: …or terribly makeuped…
Melissa: Hey!
Brendon: Or asthmatic and rat like. Hey! Regardless, we are strong together!
Melissa: We are strong together!
Jason: We are strong together!
Brendon: We are…
All: Strong together!

(Small basement; the focus group hisses and boos the movie and throws popcorn and soda at the TV, while Brendon, Jason and Melissa hide underneath the television)
Fenton: Really bad Brendon, I give it a (spits out tongue)
Junior: I give that two (spits out tongue twice)
Fenton: Horrible! Smelly!
Melissa: All right! We get the point.
Fenton: No, I don’t think you do.
Junior: (while holding up signs like “CRAP-AROO!”) Terrible! Terrible!
Walter and Perry: Boooo!
Brendon: What the hell do you guys know about anything?
Walter: Don’t get mad at us, Brendon. We’re your audience.
Perry: Yeah…you NEED us!
Walter: Yeah!
Brendon: Listen, the focus group was and has always been…a STUPID idea!
Fenton: Heh, well, fine. Let’s get out of here focusgroupers. We’re clearly not wanted by these bad filmmakers.
Walter: Let’s start another group! Let’s start a…holding hands group!
Perry: Okay, that’s a group I could get behind!
Walter: Everybody hold hands!
Fenton: Do not touch my hand!
(All four form a chain link)
Junior: Okay, let’s go, come on! We’re not going to fit through the door like this.
(Fenton removes him from their hands)
Fenton: Don’t touch me!
Junior: This guy needs to loosen up. You know what I think, Walter and Perry?
Perry: Yeah?
Junior: Makeover.
Walter: I hear that!
Perry: Me too!
Fenton: Don’t touch my hair!
Junior: This…I have been looking at you this entire focus group, Fenton. I have had to give you a facial scrub so bad.
Walter: And your hair needs some serious-
Perry: Yeah. I want to pluck your eyebrows so bad!
Fenton: You guys…you don’t know what you’re even talking about! Morons, clean up your own backyards!
Walter: What?
Perry: What?
Walter and Perry: Clean up our own backyards?
Brendon: GET OUT OF HERE!

(Small basement. Brendon, Jason and Melissa are watching their old movies)
Brendon: This is gonna sound really weird, guys, I don’t…honestly…I don’t think our movies should be watched.
Melissa: They shouldn’t?
Brendon: No.
Melissa: Then why are we making them?
Brendon: I have no idea. All I know is this: We keep coming here after school every single day and we just keep doing it. And I don’t know…and we just do it and feels and it feels like we should just be doing it, I guess, I don’t know.
Jason: (sighs) Weird. Weird. We are…God, we’re weird.
Melissa: What’s wrong with us?
Brendon: I don’t know!
Jason: We’re weirdoes!
Paula: (from the top of the stairs) Guys, upstairs! Grill’s ready!
Brendon, Jason and Melissa: (raising their hands) Yay!

(Small backyard, McGuirk has finally finished the grill)
McGuirk: All right, here goes nothing. Family grill D9000, preparing for takeoff…and here we go. (he turns on the gas, and tries to turns it on) Everybody, give it a minute. (at least tries, he can’t get “push to light” to work) It’s coming…come on. All right, maybe give it a little more gas. (he turns on more gas, showing that it’s fueling up for something big) I’ll turn it all the way. That should do it! (wind is now blowing in his face) Wow, that’s a powerful stream of gas. Everybody still there?
Brendon: Ahhh…
McGuirk: Just give it another second. It’s warming up.
Brendon: Coach, something smells wrong around here.
McGuirk: It’s fine, Brendon!
Brendon: All right.
McGuirk: Get ready to-
(Fire streams out and then…FLASH!!!)

(The road. All of them are covered in smoke and dust while Coach McGuirk drives. Brendon is taping the car ride…until they hit a speed bump…and the camera he’s beloved for many years flies out of his hands and onto the road!)
Brendon: Oh… (to make matters worse, a car runs over it and smashes most of the camera to pieces) Oh, no…
McGuirk: So, what does everybody want to eat?
(The rest all talk about what they want to eat simultaneously, while Brendon looks back in the car with water in his eyes, as everybody is oblivious to what just happened)
McGuirk: All right, shut up, sorry I asked. (a pause) How do you guys feel about tapas?
(Brendon’s eyes turn back to normal, as does he, moving on with his life. [I suppose he’ll tell Melissa and Jason in private later]
Brendon: I could go for tapas…
(They all start to talk about tapas as they drive off…)

(Meanwhile, the camera tapes its last frames of video…)

(Credits roll; regular theme)

(END OF ACT TWO, END OF SHOW, END OF SEASON…END OF SERIES)

FIN

[22 minutes, 34 seconds]